Previous published on January 22, 2019
Wow, I have to admit I’m struggling with this post. LOL. So much has gone on in my life—most of which I’ll share with you now—that my brain is rather jumbled on how to unravel all the info.
I went “dark” online during the latter half of 2018. Posting here and there, but mostly I dove into a hermit shell. All for a good reason, I promise.
And it’s gonna take some time to explain, so please bear with me …
2017 broke me. In more ways than I realized. I had honestly contemplated quitting the writing gig so many times over the course of that year. Everything I tried failed. Nothing progressed or moved forward. It got to the point that if I touched it, everything blew up in flames.
Worse, my depression spiraled out of control. I withdrew more and more into myself. Figuring that if I held on and kept plowing through eventually something would break.
Sadly, what broke was me.
After the passing of my mom in December 2017, all that darkness festering within me exploded, and the rot of emotions overcame everything else in life.
Plus, I was an angry griever. Angry that my mom loved her drugs more than her family. Angry that those who should have been by my side (other family members) failed me. I spent hours alone at the hospital waiting and watching my mom pass from this world, hopeless to change the outcome.
At the beginning of 2018, I’d made up in my mind that I was done. Done with writing. Done with people (I pretty much hated everyone and everything by this point). Done with trying to persevere and endure through the trials. I couldn’t handle it anymore. The weight had become too heavy. This life had gotten too hopeless. The festering of darkness had polluted my soul to the point no light penetrated my miry hole. Worse, I didn’t even care.
Suicidal thoughts ran their warpath through my mind. I’d battled with similar thoughts before. Such a run-around wasn’t new to me. However, this time … this time …
Okay, I can’t go there yet. Suffice to say that I pretty much begged God to end my life because I couldn’t do it on my own.
I couldn’t trust myself alone, yet I hated the thought of putting on the act of having it all together and forcing myself to face the world. I became an empty shell; a functioning hull of utter nothingness.
In my mind, I decided I couldn’t do it anymore, and I asked God to end it all for me.
I’m so glad He said no.
In the spring of 2018, I attended a two-day women’s conference with my church. I went mostly out of obligation—to fulfill a leadership role I had within the church—and was pretty much ready for it to be over before it ever began.
The first night of the event, I experienced God knocking on my heart. I would like to say I accepted the invitation to have an honest talk with Him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. The woman preaching was on fire for the Lord and fear crippled me. Worry that my depression, dark and suicidal thoughts, etc., would be revealed to the world kept me rooted in my seat. I didn’t want everyone to see my inner shame.
The second day came and the minister made a rather specific invitation for all the leaders to step forward to be prayed over. My blackened heart stopped and my eyes widened as my fellow church ladies all turned to me with smiling faces, waiting for me to step forward to join the others, oblivious to my pain (not oblivious by their choice, I hadn’t let them in).
My body moved forward before my mind caught on that I’d made a decision. I caved and figured who cared anymore if people knew my darkness (though I secretly prayed the woman preacher wouldn’t call me out).
Midway up to the altar, a warmth enveloped me in this beautiful and perfect hug. Tears rolled down my checks. I hadn’t realized how desperately I’d needed a hug. And I wanted more of it. God knocked again, and this time I opened the door.
By the time I stood before the prayer team, God’s sweet Holy Spirit had already gone to work attacking the darkness within me, uprooting the seeds of hopelessness, destroying the chains of depression, and setting me free from the claws of death.
I walked away different. New. Changed.
Yet the extent and depth of this change hadn’t fully sunk in.
On the way home from the conference, I grinned at the laughter and silly antics coming from the back of the van while I drove and hummed along with the radio.
Startled, I realized what I’d been doing. Why the heck was I humming? Why couldn’t I stop smiling?
A further self-assessment revealed an insane amount of joy filled me right then. I had a bounce to my step. Even felt the urge to go around hugging everyone. Yikes.
Who was this Desiree? ‘Cause I sure didn’t recognize her!
All the hate was gone. Anger—vanished. Depression no longer came around. The whispers tried to start up but the force of new beating in my chest shut them out. Something different flowed through my veins.
Then, I realized the miracle God had performed in my life.
He had taken that old dead heart of mine and replaced it with a brand new one. God knew I couldn’t keep battling the spiritual warfare unless something drastic took place. I think He was as tired of the constant emotional rollercoaster as me. So He performed a supernatural heart transplant.
I know that sounds insane! But there’s no other way I can describe it. God gave me a new heart. One full of love and joy and hope and determination to see this life lived to the fullest of my earthly potential.
He pulled me out of the miry hole, set my feet on solid ground, and washed me clean. And He gave me a new heart to ensure I don’t find myself back in that same prison again.
Oh, there’s so much more I can share here! But this post is already crazy long. Let’s plan to grab coffee soon. Okay?
After this beautiful transplant, I tried to pick up the pieces of life and business. Tried to forge ahead. However, God had me put on the breaks. I couldn’t keep moving this business onward because something major was still broken.
To secure this new heart of mine, to ensure I kept true to the path God had created for me, I had to fix my foundational relationship with Him. Which meant a huge overall in how I lived life.
And I went for it. All in. I liked this new Desiree, and I never wanted to go back to that old one.
Through that time with God, He revealed to me how and why I’d gotten into the state I had, and we’ve been putting checks and balances into action to ensure I don’t get there again—for good.
And now that 2019 has rolled around, God has confirmed I’ve succeeded in fixing my foundation (insert huge cheesy grin here). Which means rebuilding can commence. *squeals*
I’m starting new in a lot of ways. God and I have built a master plan with all new blueprints. Most of which I can’t share just yet. It’ll start slow—I’m only one person after all. 😉 Although, this is my year to grow, incorporating all the changes God instilled within me.
But for those who’ve stuck it out with me this whole time, I do have some promises I can fulfill.
So are you ready?
Short answer, YES!
Long answer, it’s going to take more time. As I said above, this business module is heading a different route. New books are in the pipeline, but I don’t yet have any official publication dates just yet.
HOWEVER … for my wonderful and epic readers, you WILL have a novella in your hands this year. Groundwork for it has been made. Once it’s polished to the best of my abilities, it will be handed out to all my newsletter subscribers. As a ‘Thank You’ for weathering the quiet time and still sticking with me.
So thanks in advance for being your awesome, epic selves.
And a double thanks if you actually read this post in full. 😉 It’s massive, but you’re awesome for hanging in there for me.
Until next time …
If you do, please don’t keep silent. Be brave, dear one. There is no shame in battling those feelings. No shame at all! Please don’t let that fear lie to you any longer, don’t allow it to hold you back from seeking the help you need. It’s a battle we humans can’t overcome in our own power. But there IS hope. And you ARE NOT alone.
Reach out. Take that first step. You are stronger than you’ll ever know. And more precious in the sight of God than you’ll ever realize.
January 22, 2019